Kansas City Marathon, My First

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On October 19, 2013 I completed my first marathon. That’s 26.2 miles. I did it in 3:58:07. My goal was 4 hours, so not bad for me, though I really hoped to get closer to 3:45, but a couple of port-a-johns got in the way.

My wife, the kids, and I traveled to Overland Park on Friday, dropped off the kids at my mom’s, and then headed to the JC Nichols Country Club plaza to check in at the hotel. Though the marathon course went by our hotel, it was still three or four miles from the start/finish line. Once checked in, we went on over to Crown Center to pick up the race packet. I’ve completed several USAT triathlon events and check-in at those always requires an ID and a USAT card. Not so at the marathon, apparently. I gave my name and they handed me the packet. I could have been anyone. I thought that was interesting.

There’s a restaurant on the plaza that we had been wanting to try called The Melting Pot. It’s a fondue restaurant. It’s ten minutes till eight when we got seated and I wanted to be in bed at nine, but I thought we would be able to make it. I did not realize, however, the very slow service we would receive and the fact that you cook your own food at The Melting Pot. OK, I admit I’m bit of a rube, but I thought fondue involved sticking pieces of already cooked food into cheese and noshing on it. There was some of that, but they also brought us raw meat that we boiled in this broth. It was all very good, but it took so long that even though our selection included dessert (melted chocolate), we complained, skipped dessert, and asked the waitress to take it off the bill. She obliged and we finally got out of there.

We walked back to the hotel and hit the sack after ten. I slept well but woke up at 4:30 thanks to The Melting Pot after effects in my bowels. Not the greatest start to the day. The night before I realized I forgot to bring something for breakfast, but no biggie. The hotel had a pantry and I was able to get a couple of breakfast bars and a bag of trail mix. That’s similar to what I was going to bring, so I wasn’t too concerned.

After getting up, taking care of the remaining remnants of The Melting Pot, I ate a breakfast bar, the trail mix, drank one and half cups of coffee, got dressed, and then we headed over to Crown Center about 6:20. The race started at 7:05. We found a parking spot at Union Station for $5, and walked across the street to get in line for the race.

The race started and finished on Grand Street. I found a break in the gates and merged with the rest of the runners. It was quite crowded. Shoulder to shoulder. I saw that I was too far back. I wanted to start with the 4 hour pace setters and I was way back with the 4 and a half hour runners, so I started moving forward but never quite got up to where I wanted to be. From where I was I could hear nothing from the announcer, no one in my group could. We didn’t even hear when the race started, the crowd just started moving forward. At first we’re walking trying not to step on each other, but by the time I reached the actual starting line I was able to begin a slow jog. I hit start on my Garmin and I was off, my first marathon!

The temperature was in the mid thirties and the high was supposed to be the low sixties. The sky was clear, very little wind, so perfect running weather. I wore an old long sleeve shirt over my tech t-shirt. The plan was to ditch it if and when I got hot. I also wore my watch cap and thin knit gloves. My shorts weren’t the short-short running shorts, they come up above my knees two or three inches, but they’re not baggy. Great for running without exposing my thighs. I wore Saucony shoes. I usually wear Asics, but when it came time to replace my current pair I couldn’t find as good a deal on the Asics as the Sauconys were that day, so I got them. On a training run they did chafe a spot on the back of my achilles, but I switched to a sock that came up just a little higher and took care of that.

I was able to catch up with the 4 hour pace setters pretty quickly. If you’re not familiar with marathons there’s usually a group of pace setters that you can run with to help assure you meet your goal. For instance, my goal was 4 hours, so I figured if I hung with the 4 hour group I’d be doing OK. The pace setters at our race carried these little signs attached to thin dowels that listed the goal, so ours read, “4:00”.

So, I was doing well, staying patient, not pushing it at all, and found myself pulling away from the pace setters. I never let myself go too fast, so there were some times when I had to throttle back to an 8:45-8:50 pace. I was feeling good, but disheartened to see that there wasn’t nutrition at every aid station, just water and gatorade. During training runs I’d get a bite of an energy bar about every three and a half miles. But that’s OK, I’ll deal. However, the first aid station to offer nutrition, mile nine, only offered some kind of gel or gu, and I don’t deal well with that stuff, but I got one anyways. I also hit two little cups of fluid at each aid station.

I mentioned that it was cool that morning, probably the coolest weather I’d run in since the Spring, so I wasn’t sweating a lot. I believe that’s what led to me having to pee so badly starting at about mile six or so. I finally had to stop at a port-a-john at mile eight. There were three johns there, and I had to wait behind two people to get in. They seemed to be taking forever, but once inside I realized why. I think I released about a gallon of fluid.

I exit the john and get on my way, feeling much better, but see the pace group way up ahead now. I knew I’d catch them, so I didn’t rush it. I did finally catch them probably two and half miles later. My plan was to hang with them until mile 20, and then try to pull away again.

At some point we hit an aid station and I was able to get a banana. Way better for me than gu. But then there it was again, a full bladder! At mile seventeen I had to stop. Finding johns along the route is a little like finding gas stations on those long stretches out west. Once you find one you better use it. So again I had to wait just a little, and the pace setters again passed me. Catching up this time was more difficult, but I finally did. Actually, one of the pace setters had to stop when I did so we both were trying to get back up with the group. We came back by the aid station with the gu and I grabbed another. Ugh.

This is around mile 20 and I’m starting to feel it now. I don’t know if it was just exhaustion, glycogen depletion, or just being lazy, but it became a huge effort to keep my legs moving. It didn’t help that a couple miles before my Garmin crapped out so I didn’t really know what my pace was, though I know I was slowing with every step. At mile 23 my legs got even heavier. My thighs were burning and very much wanted to stop. The biggest challenge at this point, however, seemed psychological. There were signs marking each mile and I swear they were getting further and further apart. I tried to tell myself at 23, “Look, it’s just a 5K. You can do that any day of the week.” It didn’t help.

At mile 25 I felt confident I would meet my goal; the 4 hour group was behind me, but that last 1.2 miles is the longest 1.2 miles I’ve ever ran. When we finally made that turn back on Grand it looked like the finish line was down in Grandview or somewhere. I couldn’t believe how much farther it was. But I kept on running, crossed the line, heard the announcer say my name, and I was done, my first marathon.

My wife and kids greeted me at the finish line, quite proud of their old husband and dad. There were volunteers ready to remove the timing chip, but I sat down on the street and took mine off. I handed it to the volunteer, got back up, grabbed a water and went to sit with my family. With just a slight breeze I got chilly so my wife fetched me a mylar blanket. We took a few pics but then my wife said she didn’t want to rush me, but we needed to check out of the hotel. I agreed so I hobbled toward the van. On the way I picked up an apple. My legs were quite sore and spent. I couldn’t imagine running even another .10 miles.

I mentioned that I didn’t do well with gels and gu. My theory is that I can’t digest them. They seem to just sit in my gut, holding up all the works. Any fluid I take seems to just sit in there as well. So once in the van I get very nauseous. Back at the hotel I really wanted to throw up but couldn’t quite do it. On the way home the kids wanted to eat lunch at Chic-Fil-A, we stopped and got them lunch, but I couldn’t eat, I was way too sick. I was able to start sipping water and finally started feeling better after the hour ride home.

The next day, Sunday, my quads were still very sore. They especially hurt going down stairs. However, there are no major issues with any joints, and all my toenails are intact.

My advice for anyone running a marathon for the first time?

1. Expect it to hurt at some point, but just keep going. It’s supposed to hurt. If you know the pain is coming, you’ll deal with it better.

2. Plan your nutrition better than I did. Look at the website and make sure you know what they have and where. If that doesn’t fit with how you trained, make other arrangements, or, if you still have time, set up your training to mimic what you’ll have on race day.

3. Set a goal and then be patient. It’s a long race. I felt great for the first several miles, and if I had gone all out on those miles, there would have been nothing left for the last 6.2 miles.

After the race my daughter asked if I was going to do another one. I said don’t ask me that now, just give me a couple of days to recover and we’ll see. It’s been a couple of days and I gotta say, I’m not opposed to it. I know I’ll be running another marathon in August 2014 because about three weeks ago I signed up for the Ironman Louisville race and that…wait, what did I do?

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Crushed Dreams

Today, in west central Missouri, on May 3rd, I woke up to this:

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Well, yes, that is my back yard, but I’m referring to the snow! It hasn’t snowed in this area in May since 1907. That’s, like, almost 100 years ago. Generally on Friday mornings I go out and run, but I wussed out, and went to the pool instead. It’s not that I don’t run in cold weather. I relish getting out in sub-teen temperatures, but not in May! Besides, I skipped swimming yesterday, so why not make up for it today?

Speaking of making up for things, I need to do a lot more running this month. You see, at the beginning of the year I resolved to run 50 miles per month. Now, I know that to you real runners that’s like your first week of the month, but for me, if I can run 50 miles per month every month, I’d feel just like Prefontaine. Sadly, I have to admit that I only ran 37.05 miles in April, the cruelest of months.

But that’s OK. In my universe I can make that up and still meet my goal at the end of the year. I don’t know what happened in April. I guess I was busy with a bunch of stuff, but also I was very lazy and didn’t get out of bed at an early enough hour to squeeze in a run.

So for this year I have 196.93 miles under my belt. I also have a few yards of swimming, and a few minutes of biking on my trainer. Hmm. It’s a good thing I don’t have a tri this month. Oh, wait, I do? On the 19th of May! Crap. I hope the snow melts by then.

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Ironman Review and Crushed Dreams

Today I’d like to review Ironman. Not the organization. Not the race. Not even a movie. I’m of course talking about Ironman Aftershave.

My dear Mother, who still has an Avon lady, apparently, gave me a tube of Ironman Aftershave for Christmas. I don’t think my Mother knows exactly what an Ironman race is, but she knows I like to do triathlons, and that I shave, so aftershave makes for a very sensible gift.

Scent of Ironman

Scent of Ironman

The tube I have is 3.4 fluid ounces, or 100 ml if you’re Jimmy Carter, and cost $4.50 on Amazon. I don’t know what the Avon catalogue lists it at. The back of the bottle describes Ironman Aftershave this way:

Alcohol-free formula with the energizing scent of Ironman®. Enriched with aloe and moisturizers to soothe skin after shaving and protect from dryness.

OK, first off, having never completed a full Ironman race I’m not going to poke fun of the “scent of Ironman®.” However, I will say that I always thought that completing an Ironman race would smell better than what’s in this tube. It’s not that it’s a bad smell, like an odor, it’s just that it’s a powerful smell, especially when you first put it on. But maybe that’s the point. I am drawn to unscented aftershave and deodorants, so I am probably not the best judge of how this toiletry smells. I will say that my wife said I smelled good this morning, so that should count for something.

The alcohol-free formula is also too greasy for my taste. After you apply it to your face, or where ever you just shaved, you can feel it on your hands and you almost feel like you need to wash them with soap to get it off. I don’t like that. I like my aftershave to evaporate almost as soon as I put it on.

If you’re looking for that cool, invigorating rush when you put it on, you won’t find it here. There’s no alcohol so it doesn’t burn your nicks, either. Any cream that doesn’t burn an open wound is a little suspect to me. It’s a cream, and aside from the greasiness and the smell, you hardly know you’re wearing it. After it’s been on for five or ten minutes you get used to the smell, and at some point before lunch your face doesn’t feel greasy.

Does Ironman Aftershave help you run farther or swim better? I do not know. It may well do that. But what’s my final verdict? 3 stars out of 5. I’m right down the middle with the Ironman® Aftershave. I started wearing it after I ran out of the stuff I usually buy, and haven’t disliked it enough to stop. So if Mom gives me some again next year, I’ll wear it, but I’ll probably go back to my old stuff once this runs out.

Well, this post is running (get it) a little long, so we’ll talk about crushed dreams tomorrow, or whenever. Thanks for reading.

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What Time is It? Time to Train!

Finding time to exercise is not hard. In fact, it’s as easy as 4 simple steps. If you struggle to stay in shape because your schedule is too full, try these simple life hacks, and you’ll be completing Ironman races in no time.

1. Divorce your wife. Wives demand so much of your time. This is time that could be spent training. You also won’t have to worry about taking a break in the middle of a long ride to call your wife and give her an estimate for when you expect to be home because she was going to have something ready to eat when you got there. That can be such a killer.

2. Sell you kids. Kids are very needy individuals. They rely on you for food, shelter, clothing, and love. Providing all of these so-called necessities is very draining, not only of your time, but your energy. Watching soccer games and going to father/daughter balls won’t help you swim 2.4 miles in open water.

3. Quit your job. If you work for a living, like a sucker, then you must know that nothing is more detrimental to your training week than a 40+ hour work week. It’s such an easy fix, yet so many people don’t see how much time they waste at work. Sitting through a meeting listing to IT explain why you had to work all weekend after their servers crashed is the opposite of training for a marathon.

4. Quit watching TV. OK, that one is just a joke. LOL, as the kids would say. It’s impossible to not watch TV, especially if you’re fortunate enough to be leasing a DVR from you satellite provider. Like a few minutes ago I could have bench pressed some weight in the garage, instead I watched last week’s Vikings episode, the one where the priest was supposed to be sacrificed. Oops, spoiler alert, he wasn’t sacrificed, and he was only lying about not being a Christian.

5. (Bonus tip) Forgo all yard work. Do I even have to expound on this one?

So there you have it. There should be no more excuses for you to not train this week. Stay tuned to this blog and I’ll share with you some wonderful excuses for staying in bed and not going to the pool at 5:30AM.

And now, since no blog is complete without at least one pic, here I am standing in front of the Captain EO sign at the Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow, otherwise known as that Disney park with the giant grey golf ball.

Excited about Captain EO

Excited about Captain EO

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The Pretend Triathlete

Why “The Pretend Triathlete”?

The Pretend Triathlete is a regular dude who is 41 years old as of this date, married, 3 kids, full-time office job, and lives in a small town in the heart of America. He attempts 3 – 4 sprint and olympic distance triathlons each year, has done a couple of half-Ironman races, and aspires to a full Ironman race one day.

My “training” consists of lifting weights, running, riding, and even swimming. To call it “training”, however, is a little generous. I’m way too lazy to push myself on a consistent basis. I enjoy recording my efforts and tracking my workouts, but I don’t put the data to good use and rarely use it to improve myself. I lose patience during long runs, rides, and swims. If it weren’t for podcasts I’d lose my mind very quickly while out exercising. The idea of training for an Ironman is something I can get very motivated about when I see the Kona broadcast on NBC, but once I’m out on the road I start thinking, “I have to do this for 140.6 miles? Please let an Escapade swerve into me now.”

Thus, I’m a wanna be, a side liner, a pretender.

For me, triathlons keep me in shape. Working out is merely a hobby. Some people hunt, fish, line that high shelf in the den with beer bottles from around the world. I sign up for races and then exercise enough to finish them. I’ve finished all my races, except my very first tri that was called 3/4 of the way through my bike leg due to a gigantic storm that blew in.

This year I have 3 – 4 tris lined up, and if the Lord wills it I will run the KC Marathon. There, I’m committing in writing. I will elect to do the marathon on my bike if it’s an option.

Now, since blogs are more interesting when there are pics, here’s my bike and the trainer I got for Christmas. The trainer is one of my favorite pieces of bike equipment that I own. It’s right up there with my bike.

The Pretend Triathlete's set up to pretend I'm riding a bike.

The Pretend Triathlete’s set up to pretend he’s riding a bike.

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45RPMs, cont.

Today I ran a simple 5K. Not an organized race, just a 5K route I have mapped out around my ‘hood. I know yesterday I said I would not normally run with a musical playlist, but today I did, and I picked up where I left off yesterday.

My playlist consists of songs I thought would motivate me to run faster and/or I just like them, and it is called RunningRock. I carry the iPod Nano in a pocket in my shorts. I swear the Nano was made for running. It’s small enough that I don’t even notice I have it.

I did the run today in 23:21, average pace 7:31. Without further ado, here is what I heard while running.

How Do U Want It-2Pac  
The Humpty Dance-Digital Underground     Humpty, aka Shock G, proves that you can make a song incredibly filthy without using even one four letter swear word.
I’ll Sue Ya-Weird Al Yankovic
I’m Your Boogie Man-KC and the Sunshine Band
It’s All About the Pentiums-Weird Al Yankovic     This version rocks so much harder than P Diddy’s It’s All About the Benjamins.
King of the Ladies-Extreme

Do you have any go to songs that make you run faster?

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45 RPMs

It’s official, running with music is faster than running with people talking.

For the past several runs I randomly chose to listen to either a podcast or music on my iPod Nano. Although I wore my Garmin, I ran without a specific pace goal. I just ran on feeling, like how I decide which tie to wear in the mornings because my eyes lack the requisite cones to help me make an informed decision based on the color of shirt I’m wearing. The point of my study was to determine if I ran faster listening to a podcast or to my musical playlist.

So, my study was not super sciencey because I knew what I was studying and the purpose of switching from podcast to music, nevertheless, I do have results. (I suppose you could say I know I run faster when listening to music when I know I’m conducting a study to find if I run faster with music or podcasts playing.)

My playlist consists mostly of rock and roll songs, but there’s some rap, a novelty song, opera, singer-songwriter stuff, and maybe a couple other things I can’t think of (I guess the choice of songs is another variable).

Results: Running with music, average pace 8:12. Running with podcasts, average pace 8:21. So there you have it. In case you’re wondering, I ran a variety of routes with various start times and distances. The average distance I ran was 4.70947 miles.

At some point in my life I acquired a CD with the Rocky I, II, III, and IV soundtracks. I have a playlist of all those songs which should propel me to victory in my next race, based on the above results. If it doesn’t I’m going to seriously doubt the power of music, and science.

Let me take a moment and tell you about my new favorite podcast. It’s called Good Job Brain! It’s four people (I think there’s four) and they sit around and give trivia to each other. I know, it’s awesome! They pick a subject, they each research some aspect of that subject, and then they tell various bits of trivia about the topic. You should listen to it.

I realize you’ll never listen to that podcast. I have a feeling podcasts are a little like music in that if you really want someone to not like a song you should say, “Hey, check out this new song! It’s great! You’ll love it!” It’s scientifically proven that no one has ever liked a song that a friend recommended to them.

Nevertheless, here’s what I heard on my 7.23 mile run today.

Bat Out of Hell-Meatloaf     This song took up like 4.5 miles of my run.
Big Gun-AC/DC
Blue Collar Man (Long Nights)-Styx     A song about a guy out of work and too proud for welfare. Are there anymore people like that anymore?
Carry On Wayward Son-Kansas
Cum on Feel the Noize-Quiet Riot     Worst spellers ever. This is mostly on my iPod because I wasn’t allowed to listen to it in 6th grade when it came out even though all my friends had the cassette. I guess my parents didn’t want me listening to bands who couldn’t spell, I don’t know.
Decadence Dance-Extreme
Fight for Your Right-Beastie Boys     Brilliant lyrics, I mean, cum on!
Flo-Smash Mouth     About a guy dating a lesbian who’s not over her old girlfriend. Pretty sure mom and dad would have a problem with this one. Don’t tell my pastor either.
Grounded-The Supertones     I believe this is a Christian band, but I doubt this would’ve received much air play at home. I really can’t tell you what the song is about.
Hair of the Dog-Nazareth    The name of the band sounds Christian, but I don’t think they are. At least I’ve never heard a Christian song that uses the phrase “son of a bitch”.
Hammer to Fall-Queen     Not their best. In some ways it’s good that Freddy died when he did. Those last few albums weren’t great.
Hells Bells-AC/DC    Pretty sure this is a Christian song warning about going to Hell, where Bon Scott went to live.
Here I Go Again-Whitesnake

Then my run was over.

I doubt I will listen to much music while running in the future. I prefer the podcasts though I recognize they slow me down. I’ll bust out the music in running races. You can’t wear headphones in triathlons (fascist USAT).

Let me know if you live dangerously like me and take to the streets with headphones in each ear.

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Run Like a Deer

We wake up to gun fire around here at the start of deer season. The season actually starts next Saturday, but there is a special youth hunt today and tomorrow, so I heard the distant rifle booms this morning as I contemplated an early morning run.

Although I’m thankful for the legions of men, and women, in my neck of the woods who bravely take to the forest to protect us from the poor defenseless Bambis out there, I do feel like I should wear hunter safety orange while running. Occasionally I’ll hear gunfire while I’m out, depending which trail I take, but I comfort myself knowing that if I hear the gunfire, then they missed me.

I actually have nothing against hunting, and maybe someday I’ll go. I would want it to be a challenge, however. I mean, c’mon man! I’ve been out running and seen deer close enough to hit with a rock, let alone a rifle and a scope. In the paper there’ll be pictures of kids with deer they killed. “Susie Q, 8 yrs old, from Podunk, MO, killed this 12 pt buck Sat. morning.” I never heard of an 8-year-old completing an Ironman. See, there’s a challenge!

Completing an Ironman must be a serious challenge, but training for one is challenging as well. For instance, I’m sitting here procrastinating a run and using the excuse that I need to update the blog. Can you blame me? It’s 34° outside. I have a warm quiet house because the kids are at their Grandmother’s, and I just made some coffee in the coffee press. So why in the world should I go outside and exert myself? Oh, and another reason to stay hunkered down, the woods are filled with children and firearms today.

Seriously, I’ll have another cup of joe, or two, then I’ll get out and do some running. No trails today. I’m going to keep it in town. There’s an Ironman somewhere calling, and I need to be ready, and I don’t want to get tagged by Susie Q.

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Tis the Season

Don’t you love this time of year when the leaves starting turning to orange and red, but you can’t see them on your run because it’s still way too dark that early in the morning? I love it too!

This morning was the first I wore pants on my run in a long time. I’m glad I did; it was frosty out there. I have various appendages that are susceptible to freezing temperatures, so in addition to pants, I wore gloves and a watch cap.

frosty morning

I’m always tempted to put on way too many clothes, but this morning I did OK. I didn’t get over heated at all. In the past I’ve tried to keep a log of what the weather conditions were, what I wore, and how I felt. It would be a lot easier if I kept that up and then referred to it before putting on that hoodie and then tying it around my waist half way through the run.

The other thing I think about when it gets chilly is that just a few weeks ago I was complaining about how friggin’ hot it was out there. So what’s better to work out in, hot weather, or cold? Or to ask it another, more creepy way, how much do you like to sweat?

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Am I Lazy or Just a Wussie?

My in-laws acquired a few chickens and the hens are laying eggs. They gave us a couple dozen eggs and I boiled three of them this morning for my AM protein. I don’t know why but I feel just like a peasant in feudal France eating these eggs. I don’t know if French peasants even ate eggs. I guess because someone I know actually gathered the eggs it makes them more rustic.

The French today enjoy watching pro cyclists ride through their country in a spectacle known in English as “Le Tour de France.” If at forty-one I ever hope to compete in le Tour I need to start training on the bike. But getting outside and actually taking your bike with you is such a hassle! There’s traffic, weather, and who knows what else?

Enter indoor trainers. I’m contemplating getting one of these things but would obviously like to make the right decision before I plunk down however many francs these things cost. I read a few reviews on Amazon and I have read about other cyclists using them, but I’d like to know if they’d be right for me. At least one plus I see with them is you’re training on your own bike, so maybe it wouldn’t be exactly like training outside, but at least you’re sitting on your own saddle.

A pricier option is a stationary bike. This option worries me a little because I’ve rarely ridden one that felt anything like riding a real bike. I did ride one at a Y recently that was pretty good. It had aero bars and everything. I looked at the reviews for the Proform le Tour trainer, but the reviews are mixed, people aren’t happy with the customer service, and it weighs in at about €926. That’s a lot of bread for a peasant like me if I don’t end up liking it.

Or, should I just go outside and ride? Wouldn’t that make more sense? After all, if you want to do triathlon and cyclocross, you have to get used to the weather. I know I can read the All Seasons Cyclist and be well outfitted for any condition, and I do hope to make it out more this winter on my ‘cross or trail bike, but sometimes I’d like to go down to the garage in the morning before work and knock out forty-five minutes of riding without too much hassle.

One other issue I complain about regularly is the lack of good roads around my town. I live in a thriving metropolis with a population of about 9,000 people. You would think there would be a good country road where I could ride for miles and miles without even thinking about it. There are some roads, but they don’t have shoulders, and with the curves and the rolling hills I’m too nervous to get out on them. So I do most of my long rides on the Katy Trail, an old railway line converted to a biking trail here in Missouri. It’s OK and I appreciate it being there very much, but it is flat and covered in fine gravel, so it’s not exactly like riding on the road either.

If you have any suggestions, let me know. Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to go and gather some lovely filth.

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