Pretend Triathlete

Today is my wife’s birthday, so happy birthday Michele!

Last Sunday my wife accompanied me to the Warsaw Area Sprint Triathlon. This happened in Warsaw, Missouri. 500 meter swim, 12 mile bike, 5K run. It took me about an hour and twenty minutes.

I was prepared to give props to the company that ran the race, Split Master Timing, but when I looked for the results this morning, a week later, they’re still not posted on the website. So they are a little slow in getting results up, but I will give them credit for their organization and keeping it fun for the spectators and racers. They’re a husband and wife time and they both wear a microphone. So throughout the race they banter back and forth, give instruction, and explain triathlon to the spectators. This all in between the upbeat music that’s blaring.

This race was the shortest triathlon I’ve ever done. There were only about 17 people who raced, so it was also the smallest race I’ve ever been in. With so few runners, I think everyone won something. I was first place in my age division! I was also the only one in my age division. Well, there was one other guy, but he ran with his wife side by side, and I assume it was her first ever race of any kind, and they finished dead last. This dude had a serious tri bike and a race kit, so I figure he would’ve smoked me had he really been running.

Afterwards we got free Subway sandwiches, so you can’t beat that.

Here are some pics:

Exiting T1

Exiting T2

Returning from Run

Last year at the end of July I weighed 151.5.

Yesterday I weighed 158.5.

I’m no Archimedes, but even I know that’s a difference of 7 pounds.

So what’s that mean in practical terms. Profoundly, I’m 7 pounds heavier this year! That doesn’t seem like a lot, but go out to your garage and grab whatever weighs 7 pounds and carry it around all day. See, makes your arms tired, doesn’t it.

OK, it’s not exactly the same, and honestly I don’t know that it makes any difference. I do wonder what has made the difference, though. I don’t think I’m eating differently than last year. I am still lifting, where last summer I abandoned the weights, so maybe that has something to do with it.

I complained about this in my last post, but this summer is hot, hot, hot as hell August. And dry! “Brown and crispy” is a phrase we’re hearing a lot. I generally take my son camping in the summer, but we’ve pushed that back this year. Besides, Missouri Conservation has banned camp fires at all parks for the time being, so forget that. Camping is not camping unless you’re using lighter fluid to get the camp fire going.

There is a race in Warsaw tomorrow, and I’ll be there. It’s a sprint distance tri, and I hear the bike course traverses the dam. Oh, that reminds me, I better see if I can find my bike.

I’m watching the Olympic road race right now, and I watched as much of le Tour as I could even though I don’t get the NBC Sports channel (btw, thank you NBC Sports channel for putting the Olympic triathlon on your channel, I appreciate not having to watch that since it’s one of the rare times a triathlon is actually on TV. I mean, I get MSNBC, CNBC, Bravo, and of course regular NBC, but you put the tri on the one channel I don’t get because it’s not included in my tier). After watching these races, I’ll be very disappointed tomorrow if I don’t see some European dudes with flags tied around their necks running along side the riders tomorrow.

If I do well in the race tomorrow, I’ll let you know how it goes.

The last thing my neighbors want to see is a grown man running through the ‘hood butt-naked. I don’t blame them, I don’t want to see that either because, you know, barefoot runners can be anoying. However, it’s been so hot up in here I’d completely understand if, per Nelly’s admonition, people started to take off all their clothes.

This afternoon I went out for a five miler, and it was about 100 degrees Fahrenheit. I hate running when it’s that hot! I swear I died and went to slow jog hell. I could practically hear folks driving by in they cars, “What’s that idiot doing?”

A couple of weeks ago I ran in the Shawnee Mission Triathlon. One thousand meter swim (nice and level), eighteen mile bike (hilly), and four point five mile run (two dam inclines). My time was worse than last year! What’s up with that? Again, I blame the heat. Not at the race, we were finished before it got really blazing, but because I’m too lazy to go out and train while it’s stupid hot.

In a couple more weeks I’m going to run a race in Warsaw! Yes, that Warsaw, Warsaw, Missouri. Never heard of it? I’m shocked! Well, they’re hosting the first ever Warsaw Triathlon, and I will be there. Warsaw, Missouri also hosts the Truman Dam which holds back all the water in the Truman Resevoir. I think we’ll be swimming below the dam, but not really sure. I’ll find out when I get there.

That’s shaping up to be my second to last race of the year. Lord willing I’ll be at the Branson 70.3 again in September. Someone from Springfield told me this is the last year they will put on that race but I haven’t been able to confirm that because I have done absolutely no checking. I hope they don’t do away with it. It’s the closest Ironman event to me. The next closest is the Kansas 70.3 which is in Lawrence.

As I type Tombstone is on TV. I’ve never seen it. There are a number of famous actors in this show. Kurt Russel, Val Kilmer, Powers Boothe, Bill Paxton, Jason Priestly (uh?), Thomas Haden Church, the guy from The Terminator, Sam Elliot, that woman from that TV show from the 90s(?) that I never watched, and others! Oh, there’s that guy from Lost who started out in the wheelchair.

Speaking of movies, I read yesterday that Henry Hill died back in June. Ray Liotta played him in Goodfellas. Does that have to do with anything? I don’t know, but if I keep sucking on these races I enter I’m going into the witness protection program.

The other day my headphones crapped out. This happens from time to time. Every so often I have to go out and get new headphones. The connection becomes loose down by the end that you stick into the iPod. I assume it’s because they get jostled so much by the running, biking, etc.

I can’t use the earbuds that come with the various i devices; they won’t stay in my ears while I’m moving. So I go out and buy the cheap Phillips set that hooks over my ears. They work just fine until that connection becomes loose. The sound quality is OK-they almost block out all the annoying traffic noise.

I have run so long with something playing in my ears that I can hardly concentrate if I’m left with my thoughts. Yet most races don’t allow headphones. I suppose I should train the way I race, but man, it gets boring when I have to entertain myself.

So what do I think about when I don’t have a podcast going?

“I wonder if those expensive headphones work any better than these cheap ones. Would they lose the connection at the bottom? Probably, they’re not really made for running, are they? I bet they make headphones just for running. They’ll sell you anything. I probably should have pooped before I left. I sweat all over these headphones, so I don’t want to get anything too nice. Man, I really need to do number 2. I wonder if the bass level is better on those expensive…oh man, I have to poop! Dang it! This is going to be the first run where I have to pull over and take a dump in the bushes!”

My intrepid iPod Nano is still going, however. It is several years old. It’s one of the earlier models. Meriwether Lewis used one like mine while exploring the Louisiana Purchase. Yet it has seen better days. I can’t get the display to work right anymore. I have to re-set it just to see my playlists and what not. But after all, it’s been sweated on, jostled, dropped, and who knows what else, and it appears it will live forever, like Steve Jobs.

There’s this iPod Shuffle you can get that you can swim with.

The Nano really is perfect for working out. It’s not too heavy, not too bulky, not too flimsy. It’s easy to get your music and podcasts on there via iTunes. Mine has no wireless capabilities, but maybe the newer ones do. I think the newer ones have cameras. That would be nice. Sometimes when you’re out running and you see something odd, like a guy toting two samari swords, you need something to obtain photographic evidence. What would I do without my Nano? Probably go get one of those waterproof Shuffles.

Bye for now. Let me know if you have any headphones that work well while you’re running and/or riding. And let me know if headphones is even the right word. For some reason I have this image of someone out running with those big ’70s style headphones bouncing up and down on their head.

iPod Nano

For some reason I think about how I may die more frequently than a licensed psychologist might consider healthy. When I’m given to such morbid daydreams, I never imagine that I’ll die in a hospital bed. No peaceful passing for me with family gathered around listening as my last breath pushes out the last feeble word, and then everyone crying, and then arguing about what it was I said. My imagined demise is generally due to some horrible accident or at the hands of evil doers. Am I crazy?

When I do go I hope it’s in a dignified way. Not screaming and yelling, “Ahh, it burns!”, or worse, “Don’t tell my wife!” I also don’t want to drown during the swimming leg of a triathlon. That would be embarrassing. I already feel like a pretender when I’m out on the course. Aspirating lake water would not do much for my self-esteem. I think that would be the worst kind of DNF.

So I went swimming this morning, instead of sleeping in my bed. I read once that you always do what you most want to do. Which means most mornings I want to lie in bed dreaming of triathlon glory instead of getting up to practice staying on the top side of the water. Though if you were to ask me, “Ken, do you want to swim well in your next triathlon?” I’d say, “Why, yes, thank you for asking.” But obviously what I really want is to be a world champion snoozer. Well, you know what I mean. I just want to do OK in my age group at the next snooze off.

This may not be the time or place to mention this, but I would like to come by some goggles that don’t fog me over. This last pair I got said, “Won’t fog you over,” or something along those lines. But they lied. I’ve yet to swim in a triathlon with any kind of vision past the first twenty-five yards or so. I figure if I’m getting jostled now and then and inadvertently slap someone on her butt then I’m going the right way. Generally when I get to the beach I take off my goggles, and then I’m like, “Oh, it’s daytime.”

It’s been a while since the last post, but I am still alive. I hope to see you soon, assuming I’m not wearing my goggles.

On Saturday I ran a 10K in support of the soccer team here in Clinton. The poor and needy soccer players need the kind of clothes they wear playing the game of European futbol. I was happy to contribute.

To most Americans, 10Ks is a mysterious, quantum measurement that cannot be compared to anything in the customary system of units and measurements. Nevertheless, I wore my Garmin Forerunner 305 to help me keep track of actual miles ran. I hit the start/stop button as I crossed the finish line and it read “6.00” miles exactly. For some reason I was expecting “6.22” miles, but who knows?

My goal was to average a “mid 7 minute pace.” Average pace? 7:32. OK, that’s something to build on. I came in third overall, which says to me, “We don’t have a lot of runners in our town.” The pace speaks for itself. Normally a time like wouldn’t get me within sight of the podium, but if only people from Clinton could go to the Olympics, I’d get a bronze.

I was disappointed, however, to learn they awarded me first place, in my age-group! That makes it sound like some kind of consolation prize for the old guy. Harumph!

All kidding aside-run in this next year, or if they do it again, in the Fall. Gotta go.

Lent always seems longer to me when I actually deny myself something I enjoy, like the various delicacies I can shovel into my lip-ringed orifice, for example. This year, however, I did not swear off the much desired carbohydrates that seem to make up the bulk of my diet, rather, I am not watching the television.

I have celebrated previous Lents by going without meat, desserts, and other such nonsense. As difficult as that may be, I can say the hardest thing I’ve ever given up is the black-crack, the mocha-meth, the cafe de addiction. I hated those 40 days and 40 nights so much that I promised my brain to never again give up my slow roasted heroin.

So no boob-tube means more time for training, right? Well, you might think so, but keep in mind I am extremely lazy. I can find plenty of other frivolous activities to fill my time.

I should be honest here and say that at the beginning of Lent I gave up TV, except for NCAA basketball. It’s not that I’m a huge fan, but I do like watching the tourney and all that. Up until last night, if you added up all the time I spent watching games this year it would probably come up to about 33 minutes or so. Then last night I decide to watch the Kansas game. Big mistake. Those guys always lose when I watch. Well, I did see them beat Memphis for the NCAA championship in 2008. But generally they lose, so this year I won’t watch the Jayhawks until they’re in the championship game.

So, I have gotten to the pool a few times this year. I still swim like a fish, that someone was eating last Friday. I have made one improvement; I can now breathe out both sides of my head. Formerly I was known as a right-only breather. I’m now bi. I breathe both ways.

I am ashamed to admit, however, that I am a spouter. You know how a whale surfaces and blows all that air and water out of its blow-hole. I do exactly the same thing quite often. Except mine goes sideways into the other swimming lane, and not straight up into the air. I’m constantly worried I’m going to spew pool water all over my swimming partners. How embarrassing! Any breathing tips are welcome.

One more thing. This off-season I got this:

No, not a work table, the bike. It’s a very inexpensive (cheap) tri-bike. Well, it has aero bars installed anyways, and I’ll ride it in some triathlons. I’m a lot less likely to spew on people when I’m riding my bike.

We’re not having much of a winter here in Southwestern Missouri. It snowed about an inch and a half earlier this week and we all went into a tizzy looking for our snow shovels, but by the time we found them the snow melted.

Aside from our lack of snow it hasn’t been all that cold. We’ve had some frosty mornings down in the teens and a couple of days even lower, but over all it’s been pretty mild. My biggest complaint when I go out to run is getting too hot. I shouldn’t be too hot this time of year.

What’s any of that have to do with anything? Dang, I don’t know! Except that I don’t have a lot of excuses for not getting outside to swim, bike, and run. OK, a little too chilly to swim. What about biking and running? Well, at the end of last season I took my bike apart thinking I’d build it back up. That’s taken a little longer

This post is crap. I won’t blame you if you never read my blog again.

221223 1636 I’m posting my old drafts UNEDITED. This post was actually in the discarded file. Welp, it’s going out. I really don’t know when I wrote the below, but right now here is Southwestern MO it is 9 degrees F. And there’s about an inch and a half of snow on the ground. Also, I’m not sure if this is Southwestern MO or Southcentral MO. Comment below if you know. Straight Outa Clinton.

We’re not having much of a winter here in Southwestern Missouri. It snowed about an inch and a half earlier this week and we all went into a tizzy looking for our snow shovels, but by the time we found them the snow melted.

Aside from our lack of snow it hasn’t been all that cold. We’ve had some frosty mornings down in the teens and a couple of days even lower, but over all it’s been pretty mild. My biggest complaint when I go out to run is getting too hot. I shouldn’t be too hot this time of year.

What’s any of that have to do with anything? Dang, I don’t know! Except that I don’t have a lot of excuses for not getting outside to swim, bike, and run. OK, a little too chilly to swim. What about biking and running? Well, at the end of last season I took my bike apart thinking I’d build it back up. That’s taken a little longer

This post is crap. I won’t blame you if you never read my blog again.

I realized after I hit “Publish” yesterday that my post may have sounded like I was denigrating two people groups: 1) Real Triathletes 2) New Year’s Resoluters.

In fact, I am not.

As to number 2, see a post by the Steve in a Speedo guy. I believe I linked to that last year, but like he said in his post this year, it’s worth repeating. The article basically talks about how we have the opportunity to help some folks accomplish some goals. That’s what we’re all on this Earth for anyways, aren’t we?

As to number 1, well, I wish I did all of those things I accused triathletes of doing. However, if you’re just getting into the sport or don’t think of yourself as athletic, don’t think you won’t be able to enjoy a race just because you’re not a super athlete. I’ve had fun at each and every race, but haven’t come close to winning.

There are some very competitive people that race, but most of the community is pretty supportive. I’ve passed folks and been passed by folks who said “Good job!” as we went by each other. I don’t normally say anything because I’m too worn out to speak and run at the same time.

It occurs to me, though, that I’m not a great evangelist for the sport; I haven’t convinced even one person to run in a race. Maybe that just proves that triathlon has to choose you, and not the other way around.

OK, enough for now. Thanks for reading.